Fertility struggles, IUI, and the emotional toll of trying to conceive can take up so much space in our heart and mind. So what do we do when navigating fertility and no one in our life is walking that road with us?
How do we talk about something so personal and emotional?
First: It’s Okay If You Don’t Know Where to Begin
Let’s start with the most important truth:
We do not owe anyone the full story of our fertility journey.
We are allowed to choose what to share, when to share it, and with whom.
If you want to talk about it and find that your usual people don’t quite understand, it can feel deeply isolating. I often worried about making others uncomfortable or about being judged for taking a path that is different than those around me. We might also be worried about being met with blank stares, unhelpful advice, or the dreaded awkward silence.
In reality, we are living a real experience that many people don’t know how to talk about. But that doesn’t mean it should stay silent.
Why It Can Feel Lonely
When going through fertility challenges, we are often dealing with:
• Ongoing grief (that nobody sees)
• Constant decision-making
• Physical stress from hormones, appointments, procedures
• An emotional toll that resets every month
• A hope/disappointment cycle that makes future planning hard
Now try explaining that to someone who’s never had to think about any of it.
It's not that people don't care, it’s that they often don’t know how to show they care in the way we might need. And that can result in feeling like the world is shrinking, even when still physically surrounded by people.
You Can Set the Tone
If you do want to bring up your fertility journey with someone who isn’t already familiar with it, you set the tone.
Consider starting with:
“Can I share something with you that’s been taking up a lot of space for me lately?”
“I know this might be unfamiliar territory, but I’d really appreciate just being listened to.”
“I don’t need advice or solutions, just a safe place to chat for a few minutes.”
These openers help soften the conversation while still creating a boundary. They let the other person know what we need from them, which many people genuinely want to know but are afraid to ask.
Not Everyone Deserves Access to Your Tenderness
I have people in my life that are kind, fun, or supportive in other ways, but just not the right person for this part of my life. That’s okay.
Fertility is a deeply personal and vulnerable journey. You don’t have to bring everyone into the fold.
And if someone responds poorly, if they dismiss feelings, change the subject, or say something unintentionally hurtful, we are allowed to protect ourselves.
We don’t have to explain, educate, or perform the emotional labor for them.
Instead, I shifted my energy to the people who made the space for me, even if they haven’t lived it themselves.
Finding “Fertility-Safe” People in Your Life
Sometimes the most understanding people aren’t the ones we expect. A co-worker who quietly checks in. A parent in our soccer team that shares similar stories. A friend who remembers our test day and texts you just to say, “Thinking of you.”
These “fertility-safe” people often emerge when we take the small risk of sharing something real.
And if you haven’t found those people yet, trust me when I say they do exist. Many people who walk this path eventually find their way to each other. It can be most serendipitous in timing, inlcuding through support groups, social media communities, or quiet connections over coffee.
Start small. One story. One message. One step toward not holding this all alone.
What to Say When People Say the Wrong Thing
Unfortunately, most people have no idea how to respond to fertility struggles. We may hear things like:
• “Just relax and it’ll happen!”
• “Have you thought about adoption?”
• “At least you know you can get pregnant!”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
It’s okay to feel a sting when these things are said, even if they’re well-intentioned. And it’s okay to respond, or not respond, in a way that protects our emotional space.
Here are a few scripts that can help you redirect or educate with as little energy as possible:
“I know you mean well, but that’s actually not very comforting.”
“This is really personal for me and what I need most right now is to feel heard.”
“That’s a common response, but it oversimplifies what this process really involves.”
“I appreciate you trying to make me feel better. This is just a hard moment.”
It isn’t that we are taking on the role of teacher, but if it feels good to set a boundary or gently correct a misconception, you’re allowed to.
If You’re Not Ready to Talk Yet—That’s Valid Too
Some days, we might want to share everything. Other days, we might want to curl up and say nothing at all.
We don’t have to be consistent. We don’t have to be “strong.” We don’t have to make sense to anyone else.
We get to move through this in whatever way preserves our peace. Silence is not avoidance, it’s a boundary. And boundaries are acts of self-respect.
If You Want to Say Something but Don’t Know How
Here’s a simple sentence you can borrow, write down, or adapt:
“This season of my life has been harder than most people know. I’m doing fertility treatment, and it’s been really emotional and uncertain. I don’t expect you to fix it or even understand all of it, but it would mean a lot to me to just be seen in it.”
That’s it. No details required. No timeline. No explanation.
Just honesty, softened with self-respect.
Reflection Prompt
When you think about talking to someone about your fertility experience, what comes up for you—fear, relief, exhaustion, longing?
Ask yourself:
Who in my life has earned the right to hold this part of my story?
What would it feel like to be gently honest with just one person?
What do I most want to hear from someone I trust?
Can I offer that to myself today?
You don’t have to talk about it all. But you can. And when you do, you might find that a little more space opens up around you. A little more breath. A little more belonging.
Because we are not the only ones navigating this.
And we don’t have to do it in silence.