Although gratitude is always present in my life, it was not the first thought or emotion that came to mind during my first cycle. Instead my conscious thoughts were hope, fear, worry, and hormonal exhaustion. After my first cycle ended without success, I found myself caught in a swirl of sadness for the hope I had and relief for the fears I held. Did I do something wrong? I took a small break after my first cycle to navigate these thoughts so I would be in a stronger place mentally and emotionally before trying again for a second cycle.
What I did not expect was that my second cycle would show me something different. It was not easier in the medical sense. The prescriptions hit me like a brick wall and the injection still stung, the waiting was brutal, and the unknowns still gnawed at me late at night. Yet woven between the moments, I found this time around gratitude kept showing up… not in a sweeping, life changing way, but in the small moments.
Gratitude for a Body That Tries
Despite the fact my body had so many side-effects from the hormones, it was in a position that could handle it. Although my journey wasn’t linear, my body was still fertile and my body, despite everything, was still responding. It was still showing up, still releasing, still trying. There was gratitude in that simple fact.
I remember when I had just finished an injection and the sting lingered for more than a couple of days. My instinct was to curse the process. But then I looked down and thought, my body is still in this with me. It has not given up. In that moment, gratitude replaced resentment. It was not perfect acceptance, but it was a softer way of looking at myself.
Gratitude for Gentle Kindness
During my second cycle, I also began to notice the kindness of others more clearly. The excitement of others in the waiting room, the doctor who took a few extra minutes to explain the ultrasound results, the tech who remembered my name without looking at the screen, and a neighbour who dropped off food without asking for details.
These gestures felt small on the surface, but they added up. They reminded me that I was not alone, even when I felt I was. Gratitude crept in as I realized that these acts were reminders of connection and of people who wanted me to feel cared for even if they didn’t know what was going on or could not fix the outcome.
The morning of my second cycle, my mom messaged me “I hope today brings you good news.” It nearly brought me to tears. Gratitude came rushing in for that one sentence, for the recognition that I was more than just another appointment.
Gratitude for Slowing Down
Another unexpected gift of the second cycle was learning how to slow down. The two week wait during the first cycle was long and filled with overthinking and constant searching for signs. This time, I decided to approach waiting differently.
I took long walks without my phone. I made tea and sat on my patio watching the tall pine trees and evening sky. I pulled out books I had been meaning to read for years. These were not grand changes, but they reminded me to live outside of constant worry. Gratitude and oneness surfaced in those slower moments, showing me that even during that period of uncertainty I could still create pockets of peace.
One afternoon, I was practicing yoga and I held a pose that I wasn’t able to hold before. I smiled ear to hear and laughed. I appreciated the moment. And it served as a reminder of how powerful and beautiful we are. Gratitude filled my heart space where doubt lived only minutes before.
Gratitude for Inner Strength
The second cycle also gave me a clearer view of my own resilience. After the first failed attempt, I doubted myself and my body. Yet here I was, trying again. That realization was powerful.
There was gratitude in knowing I had not given up on myself. Gratitude in recognizing that strength is not always loud or dramatic. Sometimes strength is simply showing up, giving yourself another injection, or waking up to face another day of uncertainty.
Gratitude for Perspective
Perhaps the most unexpected form of gratitude was the perspective this cycle gave me. Fertility treatment had narrowed my focus so much that I often felt like my entire life circled around the appointments and outcome. But as I moved through the second cycle, I noticed how the journey was shaping me in ways beyond the result.
I became more compassionate with myself and learned to ask for help when I needed it. I discovered that vulnerability could deepen relationships instead of weakening them. These were lessons I might never have learned without this experience. Gratitude for those lessons did not erase the difficulty, but it did help me deepen the meaning of the journey.
Gratitude in the Midst of Fear
Gratitude doesn’t eliminate fears. I still worried about results. I still wondered if my dreams would ever come true. But gratitude gives a way to hold those fears differently. Instead of being swallowed by them, gratitude balances them with the recognition of what we have.
I had a body that was trying. I had people who cared. I had small moments of strength and peace. Gratitude did not make the journey easy, but it made it bearable. It gave me footholds when the path felt steep.
Looking Back
When I think about my second cycle now, what stands out most are not the appointments, but these unexpected moments of gratitude. They became like lanterns guiding me through a dark forest. They reminded me that even in uncertainty there could still be light.
That said, gratitude doesn’t solve everything. It didn’t take away the longing or the grief. But it did give me tools to navigate them. It allows us to see that we hold both fear and gratitude at the same time. And that combination made me stronger than I thought I could be.
If you are moving through your own fertility journey, especially if you are facing another cycle after disappointment, I want to share my experience with you. Gratitude may not look like what you expect. It may not come in grand realizations or sweeping moments but when you notice it, even in the smallest ways, it can shift everything.
It can remind you that you are still here, still showing up everyday, and still capable of seeing beauty even when things feel hard. It can soften the fear, if only for a moment, and that moment can carry you further than you think.
For me, gratitude became my companion. It journeyed with me through the second cycle, giving me the courage to keep moving forward, one step at a time.
Reflection Prompt
As you think about your own journey, take a quiet moment to reflect: What small or unexpected moments of gratitude have surfaced during this process, and how might holding onto them help you move through the uncertainty ahead?
Write freely, without judgment, and allow even the tiniest sparks of gratitude to come forward. Sometimes it is the smallest things that hold the greatest power to carry us.